Perception

Lucy, in 1976, went to the Saturday night college dance by herself even though she had planned to go with her overly aloof unreliable boyfriend who later turned out to be in the closet.

The first thing Lucy did at the dance was go to the food table. Although she was upset, she managed to stay away from the salt and sugar, choosing instead the raw vegetables with dip and fruit punch. When she sat down with her plate of vegetables, the bulimic girl who lived on Lucy's floor, who always wore leotards with skirts that wrapped around her skeletal frame as though she was going to or coming from a dance class, sat down next to Lucy with two plates. One plate was a mountain of vegetables. The other was a mountain of dessert. In the cafeteria, the bulimic girl, would normally take the main course plus create several sandwiches with unusual amounts of peanut butter and jelly, and as many savory or sweet sides as she could carry. Vomiting sounds coming from the bathroom in the evening became as common as water running through pipes or the radiator knocking and spewing too much heat.


The bulimic girl was tall and had the high cheekbones and long hair of a model. Lucy realized that if she wasn't so painfully thin she would have the look of an unapproachable beauty. Yet, she was friendlier than most people always saying hello and asking relevant questions about Lucy's life before talking about herself.

As Lucy and the bulimic girl sat and ate, Lucy found herself whining about her aloof boyfriend while the bulimic girl had an understanding look on her face. Gradually, the whining turned to giggling. Neither girl knew exactly why she was giggling. Lucy felt carefree. It no longer mattered that she hadn't been accompanied by the aloof boyfriend.

When Kyle asked her to dance Lucy said yes. Unlike the aloof boyfriend, Kyle had shown a romantic interest in Lucy since the beginning of the school year, giving her the feeling that she only liked him as a friend. Continuing to feel giddy, Lucy thought she might be changing her mind as she danced with Kyle. He had big brown eyes, a nice smile, liked to read, play the piano and take Lucy away from the cafeteria food to a little place in town that served sandwiches on homemade bread. Lucy felt so euphoric and happy to be with Kyle that she wondered if someone had spiked the punch with happy powder.

Her aloof boyfriend finally showed up and danced right next to Lucy and Kyle. He danced with the bulimic girl who also looked much happier and more relaxed than usual.

Another song came on and Lucy noticed Kyle's smile a little less as she focused on the bulimic girl happily steeling her boyfriend who was looking at Lucy as though she was not as pretty as the bulimic girl. Lucy suddenly felt fat even though she had restricted herself to vegetables. She also believed people were looking at her dancing and could no longer move to the music. No one was smiling anymore. Lucy's thighs felt so large she was sure they were smashing together like two balloons that could no longer move. Her stomach felt heavily bloated. Close to tears, she left the foursome and waddled as quickly as possible back to her dorm room. She didn't know that the bulimic girl followed close behind.

First Lucy went into her room where she felt lonely. She then waddled sluggishly, while holding her heavy stomach, over to the floor lounge where there were a surprising number of girls miserably staring at the TV. Lucy squeezed into a chair. The bulimic girl stood in the doorway crying.

“What's the matter?” someone said.

“I couldn't do it.”

“You couldn't do what?”

“Purge. I couldn't purge.”

There were no seats left so she sprawled her long leotarded frame out on the floor.

Everyone was too wrapped in their own thoughts of self loathing to watch whatever was on the TV or to talk to each other. Several girls were in pajamas and bathrobes because they no longer felt they could fit into the clothes they were comfortable in just hours ago.

Tara then appeared in the door holding a clipboard and looking sturdy and muscular from playing on the girls rugby team. Her assertive thick black hair framed black rimmed glasses.

“I know you're all feeling fat and miserable,” she announced.

No one responded.

“The food and punch were spiked.”

Everyone looked at Tara. One girl, who wore a cross around her neck, had a tear on her cheek.

“I'm doing an experiment for science class. It's legal. An herbalist discovered tea leaves growing outside of a mall in suburban New Jersey. When he served the tea to guests they would experience about thirty minutes of energetic happiness a little different from the usual Starbucks. After the thirty minutes of happiness, the female guests would have a different reaction than the male guests. So, I'm here to record your experiences.”

We took turns making single statements about how the tea made us feel.

“Fat.”

“The most unattractive I've ever felt.”

“Worse than high school.”

“One. On a scale of one to ten.”

“Zero.”

“Unable to fit into my jeans.”

“Style less.”

“Inert.”

“Unable to purge.”

Tara chimed in. “I have good news for you.” she said in her athletic voice.

“Go back to your dorm rooms and go to sleep. In the morning you'll be able to get dressed in your regular clothes and go about your day as though you never drank the tea. Thank you.”

When Lucy woke up Kyle was sitting in a chair in her room.

“The door was open. I wanted to make sure you were OK.”

“Why wouldn't I be OK.”

“You and many other girls left the dance early last night.”

“So, maybe it wasn't a good dance.”

“You all had a funny walk.”

Lucy could hear the familiar sounds of the pipes in the ceiling, the radiator knocking and spewing too much heat that made her feel clammy in her largest flannel pajamas and she heard the purging sound from the hallway bathroom.

“I guess everything is back to normal.”